Work from Roman Ewing

In a practiced motion you could miss if you blinked, Cliff Boner pulled out a gun hidden underneath his bulky leather jacket, and just as quickly the space between the two men was filled with blue light of electricity. Harmon Collander slumped over in his chair, breathing heavily as the agony refused to subside. Cliff did not as much as twitch. He started to slowly approach his former ally, gun still in hand and ready to be put to use again.

Collander only managed to get one word out. “Why?”

“You know why.” Cliff spat in reply.

“No, I-“ he shuddered “I don’t.”

“I’m not an idiot, Collander.” Boner said, through gritted teeth. “And neither are you, so I expect you to act wisely.” He raised his gun. He’s bluffing, for now – it needs time to recharge before being used again – but Harmon doesn’t know that. What Harmon does know, is that getting shot again would be even worse.

He shuts his eyes. He thinks through his choices.

“I won’t tell you where it is.”

Cliff scoffs. Collander and his stupid heroism. “Is it really worth losing your life over?”

“Is it worth to kill someone over?”

“You don’t understand the stakes at all, do you? If I get there, it won’t affect you at all. You know what happens to me if I don’t?”

Harmon knew well enough that it won’t affect him, but there were other people who’d be doomed if this bastard got what he wanted. People he knows. People he cares about.

“I don’t care what happens to you.” He says, finally.

With all Cliff has in him, he punches Collander’s face. It’s not a thought out decision or a tactic to get him to talk, it’s just something he realizes he wanted to do for a while. Maybe since this conversation started, or maybe since the very first time they met.

“Well, we’ve got all the time in the world.” He says, as he tries to cool down, and takes a seat across the table from Harmon, who – now with a broken nose – does nothing but glare him down.

Cliff checks his stun-gun – it’s almost charged.

This is going to be a long day.

Instructor Response

This is good work as is. What I’ve suggested is editing to tighten the passage a little. The reader needs to know who’s talking. This is an action scene and I think needs to be tightly written with action and emotional response but not characterization here. An action scene needs to be tightly written to carry the reader through the action without disrupting imagery. I’ve changed some wording I think is needed but stick to what you think is better.

Many thanks for the submission.

WHC

In a practiced motion you could miss if you blinked, Cliff Boner pulled out a stun-gun hidden underneath his bulky leather jacket and just as quickly the space between the two men was filled with blue light of electricity pulled the trigger. Harmon Collander slumped over in his chair, breathing heavily, his face twisted in agony as the agony refused to subside. Gun still in hand, Cliff did not as much as twitch. He started to slowly approached his former ally, and ready to be put to use again.

“Why?” Collander asked. only managed to get one word out.

“You know why.” Cliff spat in reply replied, seething.

“No, I-“ he shuddered “I don’t.”

“I’m not an idiot, Collander.” Boner said, through gritted teeth. “And neither are you, so I expect you to act wisely.” He raised his gun, bluffing. The stun-gun needed time to recharge. needs time to recharge before being used again – But Harmon doesn’t know that. What Harmon does know, is that getting shot again would be even worse. He shuts his eyes . . . thinks through his choices.

“I won’t tell you where it is.”

Cliff scoffs. Collander and his stupid heroism. “Is it really worth losing your life over?”

“Is it worth to kill killing someone over?”

“You don’t understand the stakes at all, do you? If I get there, it won’t affect you at all. You know what happens to me if I don’t?”

Harmon knew well enough that it won’t affect him, but there were other people who’d be doomed if this bastard got what he wanted. People he Harmon knows. People he cares about.

“I don’t care what happens to you.He  Harmon says, finally.

With all Cliff has in him, he Cliff punches Collander’s face. It’s not a thought out decision or a tactic to get him to talk, it’s just something he realizes He had wanted to do it for a while. Maybe since this conversation started, or maybe since the very first time they met.

“Well, we’ve got all the time in the world,” Cliff says as he tries to cool down. and takes a seat across the table from Harmon, with a broken nose, does nothing but glare him.

Cliff checks his stun-gun – it’s almost charged.

This is going to be a long day.

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