Instructor Response

Cliff Boner pulled a weapon from his black leather jacket’s breast pocket with the ease of effectiveness that practiced motion brings. The blue light-like strobe engulfed the two men as Collander gasped in agony caused by the two million volts of electricity discharged into his body. His wide-open eyes reflecting a mixture of fear and anguish as he slumped motionless over in his chair.

Within a few seconds, Boner stood towering over him. Collander looked up at him with eyes reflecting overwhelming fear, which filled Boner with the kind of excitement that no drug or sexual act could get him.  Boner leaned in aggressively closer, putting lip balm on his cracked, dry lips. The fear reflected in Collander’s eyes delighted him to no end.

Seeing fear reflected in strangers’ eyes as he walked by them pushed back his past memories; they were not erased, he will never allow himself to forget them, but they eased up. He was the reason why people knew what fear was. These people that never in their life knew what fear for their life felt like. Collander started to twitch.  His mouth was moving, trying to speak.  Boner leaned over with a smirking, as he was so close to Collander’s face that he could feel his breath.

“I don’t understand. Who are you? Why are you doing this?” Collander finally said in a barely audible voice.

Boner stood up, taking a sip of the cold black coffee that had been sitting there for hours before he responded to Collander. Let him wait, agonize over his response as he had done. [Great. Notice here this type of information delivered out of dialogue is more effective than when in dialogue. Compare it to comments below.]

“Why do you think?”

“I don’t know.”

“Oh, come on, Harmon, you are an intelligent man, or at least I remember you being intelligent, no? Think hard; you must have some idea.”

Collander looked utterly bewildered; the mention of his first name surprised him. When was the last time someone refers to him by his first name? It was always Mr. Collander. Not even his wife; it was “hon” or the kids’ “dad.” When did he stop being Harmon? Bewilderedness replaced fear in his eyes.  “Money!  Is this about money?”

“You think it’s for money?  You’re a fool.”  Boner smiled.  He needed knowledge.  That would, of course, bring money.  It was a knowledge that he now wanted and needed for his own survival.

“If it’s not money.  What is it?”

“You know a secret.  And you will share it with me. If not now, when you are thinking clearly.“

“Leave me.”

“No.  Only when you tell me who was there that night, who was the one who threw the final and fatal punch? Who was all there that night?” [This has a lot of words, sort of soliloquy. Good contemporary dialogue is brief, especially in highly emotional settings. And note that if something is final, it is fatal, and visa versa, so the idea does not need to be repeated.]

“What are you talking about? What night? What fatal blow? I don’t even know who you are or what you are talking about.”

“You were there, I left, but you stayed and someone else; I want to know who the other one was! [This is perfectly acceptable and necessary information. But in dialogue, it’s exposition, and humans don’t deliver much information about setting or the past in speaking, especially in tense settings. You use the narrator providing information very well, and maybe you could place the highlighted words outside of dialogue, earlier maybe.) The reaper has come to collect, your country club set is used to others settling your debts, but this one is past due, and I have come to collect, and trust me, the interest rate is high!”

“You are insane! I don’t know what you are talking about! I don’t know who the hell you are, Let me go! I demand to be let go!” (This repetition seems excessive and may decrease the credible of this dialogue segment.)

“I’m going to ask one last time, who stayed with you that night at the lake?”

“Look closely into my eyes, and tell me that you don’t know what I am talking about!” [Great exchange. Your dialogue is very effective. It has purpose and moves the story along. Very credible.

The fear that was gone return to Collander’s eyes. Boner smirked once more; he knew that he had him.

“Was it you? I am right! You know that there is no statute of limitation on a murder? Right, I am sure that you being a top criminal lawyer, know that?” Boner said as he smirked.

“You have  no proof?”

Cliff Boner hit him across the face with the back of his hand.  Collander’s head snapped to the side.  He turned his head to face Boner and spat, the foul saliva hitting Boner on the cheek just under his left eye.

Boner felt his body being overtaken by rage. [A suggestion: “Rage overwhelmed Boner.” Succinct and avoiding the passive.]  The toothpick-thin boy was back, taking over the hardened two-bit criminal full of anger for having to endure unimaginable suffering for a crime he didn’t do.

Your imagery is excellent, the segment has great momentum, and is very engaging (in-scene writing). Well done! And the ideas flow very well. Congratulations on excellent work.

Thanks for the submission. And all the best.

WHC