Instructor Response

Hi Cathryn–

Great work. I’m going to use this exercise to point out revision techniques. I’ll try to always add (in green) a justification for a suggested change. Overall, in revision, one imagines the placement and choice of the imagery for maximum (fluid) effect, such that the action is consistent with time progression and the ideas are integrated. We want the syntax to match the mood of the moment, and as always we want to lean toward brevity. I’ll be excessive to provide ideas for your revision technique. The critique does not suggest anything is wrong, and suggestions may at times not be compatible with the style you want to achieve . . . but I hope it’s useful for learning. Enjoyable read!

Rushing beside her husband along Pirates Alley, Charles’s wife stubbed the toe of her designer shoe on an uneven, grey paving slate protruding from the pavement.Maybe use “uneven pavement slate” for efficiency? Like this:

Suzette, Charles’s wife, stubbed the toe of her designer shoe on an uneven pavement slate, twisting her ankle as she rushed with her husband down Pirate’s Alley in New Orleans.  In an action/introduction scene, brevity is important for momentum. “Designer shoe” provides good characterization, and I’d leave it, but would always suggest, especially in an opening paragraph, to avoid too many ideas and images. Keep with momentum.

Her ankle twisted.

“Damn it,” Charles’s wife she said.

“Careful,” Charles said. He gripped his wife’s gripping her arm.

She bristled and brushed her husband’s hand from her shoulder. “I can manage, thank you,” she said. Charles’s wife was muscular and fit, a regular at the gym.

I’ve switched to her POV from narrator’s POV. See if you think it works.

  “A fall,” Charles said, “could ruin your plans, Suzette.” He glanced at his wife’s footwear: thin straps; pointed toes; stiletto heels. Unsuitable choice for an extended walking excursion. “I was worried. You know, a broken leg. Or something.”

“You could have broken your leg,” Charles said, glancing at her stiletto heels.

This paragraph needs to continue the action. You’ve got a lot of images. Focus on momentum of the story at this point. Use the rare image to suggest what you want the reader to imagine in the entire scene.

“Jesus Christ!” Don’t be morbid,” Suzette said. “Stop being your usual morbid self, Charles.”  His wife hobbled to the slightly tilted wrought iron lamppost standing in front of a bright, raspberry- sherbet colored building. The red and white sign tacked to the lamppost warned: Church Quiet Zone. Too much disparate information. In this paragraph stick with action primarily, scene and characterization secondarily, with scene slightly more important than characterization.

With shaky fingers, Charles swiped a strand of red hair stuck to his sweaty forehead. His wife’s voice, strident, petulant, a red flag signaling Here, you filtered her voice characteristics through Charles’s POV. I suggest you let the reader know what she’s like through dialogue, which would keep the reader in the moment. Something like: “You’re a mess,” she whined. “Can’t you look a little more refined when we travel?” Of course, this is not good and not what you could put together, but it shows rather than tells and it sets up what follows, which I put in the narrator’s perspective.  This day would not end pleasantly. A huge mistake. Vacationing with Suzette in sultry Why did he bring her to New Orleans?

Suzette hobbled to the leaning lamppost, supported herself with one hand, and tugged at her shoe with the other. Nice image. 

“Heel’s not broken okay,” she said. “Thank God.” Dialogue credible for the character, the moment, and the story.

“Heel?” Charles asked.

“Of My shoe, idiot.” Suzette held the designer shoe by a thin, blue strap. “Jimmy Choo’s latest. Cost a small fortune, let me tell you.” [Great. Effective and reveals a lot about Suzette!]

Charles dug his fists into the pockets of his white Bermuda shorts. [Good detail well placed.] “You don’t have to,” he mumbled under his breath.

The brokerage firm’s phone call last month alerted Charles.

‘Charlie,’ the couple’s financial advisor said, ‘I’ve done the calculations you requested. At the rate Suzette is spending her great-aunt’s inheritance, the principle will be significantly diminished in four years.’ [The above five lines are backstory . . . and vital information. But try to avoid backstory and keep the information in front story. Consider internalization in Charles’s thoughts? It might work.]

“Your ankle’s swelling, Suzette. It’s starting to swell,” Charles said. “Maybe we should—-”

“Before I married you, Charles, if you recall, I was a pretty competent emergency room nurse.” Suzette’s fingers lightly pressed her ankle. “Just a slight sprain. No torn ligaments,” she said. “I’ll live.” Nice.

Suzette pushed her ballooning foot into the expensive shoe. She winched, and carefully placed her left foot on the uneven pavement.

Charles shook his head and watched his wife clutch her handbag, square her shoulders, and limp towards Chartres Street. [All effective here and reads well!]

Suzette stopped and turned at the end of the short alleyway. “Well, are you just going to stand there, Charles?” she asked. “The Cathedral tour begins in half an hour.”

Charles longed to explore Pirates alley without a time limit, an agenda, a guide book: browse the bookstore, formerly William Falkner’s house where the famous author penned his first novel; stroll behind St. Louis Cathedral and whisper a prayer in   the lush greenery of Saint Anthony’s Garden; chat with the local artists who, arriving at noon, displayed their creations on the fence surrounding the garden. [Great!] 

“Get a move on, slow poke.”

Charles pushed the front of his sandal under the protruding grey slate. Dangerous. A fall could prove fatal.

“Hurry. My God, Charles, at this rate, we’ll never complete the stops on my list before meeting Bruce and Francine for lunch.” [This is exposition in dialogue, and should be avoided when possible.]

“I’m coming,” Charles said and caught up with his wife.

“By the way, Charles.” Suzette hitched the straps of her large, purple, purse on her shoulder. “I’m purchasing a memorial brick. For St. Anthony’s Garden walk way. I brought cash with me.”

“How much, Suzette?  We need to have a discussion about—-”

“Cost?”  Suzette sneered. “You don’t begrudge Great-Aunt Helena a signature brick etched with her name, do you?” :-)

“How much, Suzette?”

Suzette patted her handbag. “Fifteen hundred dollars.”

Charles breathed deeply, swallowed twice, and bit his lip.

Suzette snickered. “Don’t looked so shocked, dear,” she said. “After all, it is my money.” [Well done.] 

“Nice morning, folks.” A swarthy man pushed a creaking, rusted shopping cart into Pirates Alley. He grinned and showed broken, yellowed teeth. A scar, like a jagged streak of lightening, marred the man’s hollow left cheek. Wrapped around his head was a red bandanna, and a large gold hoop dangled from one ear. [Very nice.]

The rickety cart’s wheels squealed to a halt in front of the couple, and the man plucked a tee shirt from the folded stack in the basket of the cart. [Here, I’d reverse the information, prioritizing the T-shirt (essential action and revelatory) before scenic description. And “squealed” is not the right word. It personifies wheels, an effect not useful here–maybe try “squeaked” or something a wheel can do.]      

“For charity,” he said and held the red tee-shirt by the sleeves. Help the Survivors was block-printed in black letters on the front. “Lots of folks ain’t recovered from Katrina,” he said. “Cheap, too.  Asking fifty dollars for three.”

Suzette fingered the thin, cotton fabric. “Cheap, alright,” she murmured. “These chintzy tees aren’t worth fifty cents.”

“Suzette, for Pete’s sake.” Not smart, Charles thought, arousing the ire of this stranger. [A suggestion as one way to present Charles’s thought. The original construction left a question as to whose POV it was, Charles’s or the narrator’s.] Charles handed the vendor his credit card. “It’s for charity, right?”

“Sorry. Cash only.” The vendor pursed his lip and shook his head. The gold hoop earring glittered in the brilliant sunshine. He leered at Suzette. “Might be the lady has cash in that big bag of hers.”

“Money is for the Lord’s work.” Suzette jerked the straps from her shoulder and clutched the purple her handbag. [You’ve got momentum going here and “purple” slows it unnecessarily.]  

“I’m doing God’s work, too.” The man lunged for Suzette purse.

“Get your filthy hands off my handbag. Call 911, Charles,” Suzette said. [The deleted segment doesn’t fit into dialogue when the emotional valence in the scene is anger and conflict.]

Charles reached for his mobile phone.

Suzette swung her purse whacking the vendor in the face. Suzette whacked the thief in the face with her purse. [“Whack” implies swinging and is an opportunity to use fewer words (and avoid the participle where past tense is more forceful). 

“Damn you, lady. I think It’s broken,” he said and dabbled his bloody nose with the red tee shirt. [In revising dialogue, stay close to what people say with the mood of the moment. He’s hurting and angry and resentful and his mind wouldn’t, maybe couldn’t, put together extended syntax.]

Suzette’s fingers tightened on the blood-smeared purse.

“Let it go, Suzette.” Charles tugged Suzette’s arm. “Cops are on the way.”

Suzette wrenched free from Charles’s grip and slammed her purse in the man’s face.

 The gold clasp on Suzette’s the purse split the man’s lip.cut the man’s lip and split it open.

“You damn bitch!”I won’t forget this, lady. Believe me.” “Bitch.” The vendor steered the creaking cart onto Chartes Chartres Street. What you have is fine, but is it what this man would say in this moment of resolving conflict?

#

The clink of china and silverware, a mellow tremolo from an alto saxophone melded in the crowded Pirate Alley Café and Old Absinthe House with laughter and boisterous voices. This is nice setting of scene. Well done.

“I swear, Francine, that man selling tees in Pirated Alley could have been Jean Laffite’s ghost,” Suzette said.

“You don’t say,” said Suzette’s new friend. They had met during a yoga class at the hotel. “The famous New Orleans’s pirate and profiteer?”

Suzette looked across the table at her husband. “He did, didn’t he, Charles?”

“Maybe not a pirate, but, nevertheless, a very dangerous

man.” Charles raised an eyebrow and turned to Francine’s husband seated on his left. “I feel Suzette acted recklessly, Bruce.”

“Now,now, Charles. Your wife’s conduct was admirable.” Bruce

patted Suzette’s hand. “Very brave stance, seems to me. Why let crooks and shysters hoodwink honest folks into giving them money?” All good.

“Brave?” Charles set his drink on a coaster. Suzette’s rash action put their lives in danger.

Suzette smiled. “See there, Charles. Bruce thinks I was brave,” she said. Her hand remained in Bruce’s clasp.

Charles drummed his fingers on the table. The shadowy, half-formed idea skulking on the edge of his consciousness took form, solidified. Don’t change this–the wording and idea are great–but maybe expand a little to let us know the idea as an image, and/or clarify what you want us to expect.

Here is a reference you might find useful: https://www.storyinliteraryfiction.com/essays-on-writing/information-and-literary-story-structure/

Excellent. You’ve created a great story. Loved the imagination! Thanks for the submission.

All the best, WHC