Cliff Boner, clad in a bulky leather jacket, reached into his hidden breast pocket, and quickly with premeditation pulled out, and discharged a stun gun. The bright blue strobe pierced the darkness, as a gasp of pain escaped the chapped lips of Harmon Colander. As two million volts of electricity shot through his body making him slump motionless in his chair. Within seconds Boner was savoring the moment he looked into Colander’s fearful gaze, he was quite satisfied. He was the powerful carnivore and Colander was the doe, who shuttered in fear. He sipped his black, bitter, acidic coffee.

Collander was Twitching violently and trying to form words with his weak lips, Boner leaned over, still overly satisfied by the pain that radiated through His victim’s body.

“Why?” Collander finally said, weakly.

“Why do you think?” Asked boner as if the answer was obvious.

“I don’t know”

“Oh, you must have some idea.”

Collander looking very confused said, “Money! Was it for money?”

“You know a secret.  And you will share it with me. If not now, then when you are thinking clearly. “

“Leave me alone.”

“No.  Only when you tell me where the car is.”

“I don’t know where it is.”

“You stole it.”

“You have  no proof?”

Cliff Boner backhanded him.  Collander’s head snapped to the side fiercely.  He turned his head to face Boner, and spat, the foul blood streaked saliva hitting Boner on the cheek just under his devious left eye.

Instructor Response

Very well done. You’ve captured the assignment goals very well. I’ll give you a few (of course subjective, and not corrections but observations) suggestions for tightening the writing. Mostly eliminating words that may be redundant, and keeping the story on a tight progression by taking loosely related ideas and placing them elsewhere.

Cliff Boner, clad in a bulky leather jacket, reached into his hidden  (a breast pocket is hidden, almost always) breast pocket, and quickly with premeditation (the idea of premeditation isn’t quite right here, I think. It can be very important, and if so, maybe build it in another scene. Here its presence stops the momentum.) pulled out, and discharged a stun gun. The bright blue strobe pierced the darkness, as a gasp of pain escaped the chapped lips (you might consider another image that is more supportive of scene content, something like “the bleeding lips”) of Harmon Colander. As two million volts of electricity shot through his body making him slump motionless in his chair. (This phrase is awkward. Try getting a verb (contributes to action) with subject, and work on the syntax and fewer words. Here’s a suggestion: “He slumped in the chair as two million volts shot through his body.” I suggest removing some of the ideas to make the following sentences strong. See what you think.  Within seconds Boner was savoringed the moment he looked into Colander’s fearful gaze; he was quite satisfied. He was the powerful carnivore and Colander was the doe, who shuttered in fear.  I would definitely take this out. It’s overly writerly writing, and detracts from the story. He sipped his black, bitter, acidic coffee. This is perfect.

Collander was Twitching twitched (avoid passive constructions) violently and trying tried to form words with his weak lips; Boner leaned over, still overly satisfied by the pain that radiated through with Collander’s body pain.

 “Why?” Collander finally said, weakly.

“Why do you think?” Asked boner as if the answer was obvious.  This is filler. Not necessary for conversation.

“I don’t know”

“Oh, you must have some idea.”

Collander looking very confused said, “Money! Was it for money?”

“You know a secret.  And you will share it with me. If not now, then when you are thinking clearly. “

“Leave me alone.”

“No.  Only when you tell me where the car is.”

“I don’t know where it is.”

“You stole it.”

“You have no proof?”

Cliff Boner backhanded him.  Collander’s head snapped to the side fiercely. (Adverbs are tricky. This doesn’t seem the right one for “snapped.”)  He turned his head to face Boner, and spat, the foul blood streaked saliva hitting hit Boner’s on the cheek just under his devious left eye. This seems extraneous, not closely related or necessary for scene.

Overall, it helps to keep single ideas clear with succinct (in an action scene) word choice, avoidance of passive constructions, and a progression of ideas in a smooth logical order (you do this!). Great work. I hope my comments help with creating syntax.

Thanks,
Bill

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