The way that her curly hair stuck out in all different directions made it so that people knew without a doubt Margaret was batshit crazy. She had been talking with her friend Eliza,

“He had three brothers, I swear,” Margaret said thinking back.

“Nah,” Eliza argued, “Only two, he only ever had two brothers.” Eliza was so certain that she had to agree to disagree, meanwhile, Margaret went on about his three brothers. Eliza kept her mouth shut it was very dangerous to disagree with her friend.

“What ever happened to him? or his brothers?” Margaret went on.

“I don’t know,” Eliza admitted.

Margaret had finally stopped talking when, the very him, of whom they were talking about walked into the coffee house. They were both very silent because the man, was Eliza’s ex- fiance, and Eliza was still bitter, Margaret was bitter too because the bastard had hurt her sweet friend Eliza, the nicest woman she had ever known.

“Did you want me to go talk to him?” Margaret asked. “And by talk to him, I mean pour hot coffee all over him.” She added.

“No, no!” Said Eliza, “ But tell me something, does he see me?” Margaret looked over at him, only to find that he was guiding a woman to go sit with him, his hand on the small of her back, they sat by the fireplace, where Eliza’s back was to them. Margaret’s look of disgust, made Eliza all too curious. “What?” She asked when she could no longer bare Margaret’s silence, she turned in her chair to take a look for herself. He was getting cozy with a pretty brunette. She turned around to face Margaret. “Now,” Eliza said, “Now you can pour that hot coffee all over him and his new muse.”

Instructor Response

You’ve got action and conflict underway. You are building characterization. And all that you’ve created makes the reader interested in what is coming next. Good work!

The way that her curly hair stuck out in all different directions made it so that people knew without a doubt Margaret was batshit crazy. She had been talking with her friend Eliza,

“He had three brothers, I swear,” Margaret said thinking back. This is understood.

“Nah,” Eliza argued, “Only two, he only ever had two brothers.” Eliza was so certain that she had to agree to disagree, meanwhile, Margaret went on about his three brothers. Eliza kept her mouth shut; it was very dangerous to disagree with her friend.

“What ever happened to him? or his brothers?” Margaret went on.

“I don’t know,” Eliza admitted.

Margaret had finally stopped talking when, the very him, of whom they were talking about walked into the coffee house. They were both very silent because the man, was Eliza’s ex- fiance, and Eliza was still bitter, Margaret was bitter too because the bastard had hurt her sweet friend Eliza, the nicest woman she had ever known.

“Did you want me to go talk to him?” Margaret asked. “And by talk to him, I mean pour hot coffee all over him.” She added.

“No, no!” Said Eliza, “ But tell me something. Does he see me?” Margaret looked over at him, only to find that he was guiding a woman to go sit with him, his hand on the small of her back. They sat by the fireplace, where Eliza’s back was to them. Margaret’s look of disgust, made Eliza all too curious. “What?” This is very good, I think. She asked when she could no longer bare Margaret’s silence, she turned in her chair to take a look for herself. He was getting cozy with a pretty brunette. She turned around to face Margaret. “Now,” Eliza said, “Now you can pour that hot coffee all over him and his new muse.”

Thanks,
Bill

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