Standing in the school backyard, I was watching the kids and doing my job as a counselor in after school program. First graders Stephanie was rushing toward me crying and accompanied by one of her classmates. Before I say a word she wrapped her arms around my waist and rested her face on my stomach. Sobbing and complaining through her tears, I could not understand what bugged her. Her classmate volunteered to explain and said “Ms. Tara, the counselor, hit her on her eyes”. I gently took her arms off my waist. I kneeled down and hold her chin up to look at her eyes. Her tears still rolling over her cheeks, I asked her to open her eyes and let me see what’s wrong. I was sure that her eyes were ok and Tara is such a sweetheart counselor and she would never hurt her. I figured out that it was not Stephaney’s eyes that were hurt, it were her feelings and Tara perhaps unintentionally neglected her delicate feelings and did not give her the due attention. I calmed her down and took her to wash her face. After drying her face I asked her if her eyes still hurt and she nodded “yes”. I asked her if she wants an ice bag and she nodded “yes”, “well,” I said “if I give you an ice bag, you are going to sit down and keep it on your eyes for a while. Moreover the ice bag is cold and you will not get back to play right away”. When she started to think, I asked her what she would she prefer an annoying cold ice bag or a piece of candy. When she heard me saying candy, she got excited and started to jump and the naughty joy was clear in her eyes which made me more certain that her eyes were ok.
We sealed the deal. I looked in my pierce to see what I have and I took out a piece of candy and a lollypop and gave them to her. Giggling and full of joy I took her back to the school backyard. In the entrance of the school back yard, we met Tara. Not knowing anything about the ordeal that she has just caused, she laughed to Stephaney and made a funny face but Stephanie still hurt met the remark with such a poised look.
Getting back to my place in the corner of the back yard, Stephaney has already gotten mingled with the other children. I was watching the whole picture in the pack yard and I could see a mosaic of children in different colors. They represent all the races on earth. They shared the same innocence, beauty and excessive energy. They are all precious and a real joy for anyone who appreciates the gifts of life. A warm feeling filled my heart and I found myself pray for all those children may God bless them and begets them a better world full of joy and happiness. Amen.
Comments.
Fine piece. Your writing is clear and literate. Your pacing is good, and you carry the reader well through the prose. Grammar and syntax, in the main, excellent, and the style is formal, distinct, and effective.
Your purpose seems to be to present a scene that evoked an emotion in the teller, in hopes of evoking similar feelings in the reader. You’ve done this well. Here are some suggestions to make it even more effective:
1. You might let the reader see the multicultural situation and the people earlier so the nice action you’ve created between the counselor and the little girl will relate to the told emotion of loving and appreciating the wonder and children of all origins. As constructed, the reader is engaged in a touching interaction between child and adult. There is no clear suggestion that multiculturalism played a role in the adult-child interaction. The beginning seems to display the special caring of an adult for children. The shift to an appreciation of the mosaic of colors in children is somewhat of a surprise, and with a little restructuring you could make your piece even stronger.
2. Consider third-person narration. In first person, the narrator may be seen as self-serving in the telling, and this is especially true in the last paragraph, which might seem sentimental to some. The objectivity of third-person narration would eliminate the potential of those thoughts in some readers and make the scene and expression of love for humanity even more poignant.
3. Stay in the verb tense you start out with. Not an unbreakable rule, but important in this piece. The shifting tense jolts the reader out of engagement in the story.
4. Avoid passive constructions when a simple past tense will do. This freshens your prose. Passive constructions are useful for progressive action in scene at times, and when subject-verb relation demands it, but should not be used when the passive dulls the verb action.
Edits
Standing in the school backyard, I was watching watched the kids and doing my job as a counselor in after school program. First-graders Stephanie was rushing toward me crying and accompanied by one of her classmates. Before I say said a word she wrapped her arms around my waist and rested her face on my stomach. Sobbing and complaining through her tears, I could not understand what bugged her. Her classmate volunteered to explain and said, “Ms. Tara, the counselor, hit her on her eyes”. I gently took her arms off my waist. [Very effective.] I kneeled down and hold her chin up to look at her eyes. Her tears still rolling rolled over her cheeks, I asked her to open her eyes and let me see what’s wrong. I was sure that her eyes were ok and Tara is such a sweetheart counselor and she would never hurt her. I figured out that it was not Stephaney’s eyes that were hurt, it were her feelings, and Tara perhaps unintentionally neglected her delicate feelings and did not give her the due attention. I calmed her Stephaney [Don’t use a pronoun where there is confusion as to which of the possible antecedents is meant. Use the name here.] down and took her to wash her face. After drying her face I asked her if her eyes still hurt and she nodded “yes”. I asked her if she wants an ice bag and she nodded “yes.” “Well,” I said “if I give you an ice bag, you are going to sit down and keep it on your eyes for a while. Moreover the ice bag is cold and you will not get back to play right away”. When she started to think, I asked her what she would she prefer an annoying cold ice bag or a piece of candy. When she heard me saying candy, she got excited and started to jump and the naughty joy was clear in her eyes which made me more certain that her eyes were ok. [Nicely done.]
We sealed the deal. I looked in my pierce to see what I have and I took out a piece of candy and a lollypop and gave them to her. Giggling and full of joy I took her back to the school backyard. In the entrance of the school back yard, we met Tara. Not knowing anything about the ordeal that she has had just caused, she laughed to Stephaney and made a funny face but Stephanie still hurt met the remark with such a poised look.
Getting back to my place in the corner of the back yard, Stephaney has had already gotten mingled with the other children. I was watching the whole picture in the pack yard and I could see a mosaic of children in different colors. They represent all the races on earth. They shared the same innocence, beauty and excessive energy. They are all precious and a real joy for anyone who appreciates the gifts of life. A warm feeling filled my heart and I found myself praying for all those children; may God bless them and begets them a better world full of joy and happiness. Amen.
